I've got to try and write some of this stuff down....

Tuesday, November 28, 2017
8:08 AM

Last night and today I realized that all the anger, the rage, all of the negative and dysfunctional behaviors are the same as love. I remember loving intensely as a child. I remember all of that getting thwarted and turned into hate with the mind's existential conclusion( I guess)…"All is Lost."
I seemed to hear David encouraging relationship….and from the beginning of being here, things started happening with people. At first, I would experience whatever it is that happens when we meditate together, and, going out into the world, and, it was almost like there was an explosion of some kind, and, people would "appear" and the most marvelous interactions would follow…What I mean by marvelous is that I could notice or observe that these interactions were something new. That is, they were happening despite the judgmental-ness, firmly entrenched, tendencies toward people, hating etc. they didn't spring from the normal operating system in other words. This is truth that I now realize I do hunger for.

Over Thanksgiving I realized for the first time why( for me) the Holidays and (perhaps for others) can be so uncomfortable(?) to say the least. What I saw was that in so many ways I don't even know the people that I live with. (And we had it pared down to literally no "company",) just the ones in the immediate family. We live together. I seemed to be the one causing the argument but this is something known, seen and despaired over from an early age.

Another Teacher used the word "egocentric" to describe the personality, and it seemed that the energies busted me through egocentricity or an egocentricity. This is a fulfillment that I've desired definitely.

There has been a sadhana (but I didn't use the word until 2009) for sure. Now I see that an almost involuntary (just like David said!) process happened to me from early on, very early. But there was no understanding for what happened to me, the experiences, or anything else. When I got" here" it was clear, I lived in confusion sounding like a fool and truly behaving like a fool trying to explain or share with others. I went through feeling intensely embarrassed over "myself" again now, almost like a PTSD manifesting.

There was a realization that the samskaras never go away, really, and that they can always be there. This is directly contrary to what I had been taught which was the divine Light dissolves them. Maybe it does. I don't know, but what had been excruciating for me was trying to fix "myself". I thought I would get fixed and strived for that, struggled agonized, failed. If only I GOT fixed everything would be all right was the mantra. Later was the experience that "everyone" is suffering, and, there, I buckled under.
On and on it seemed to go. When my son in effect told me I only thought about myself and this was quite a while back, you know, it was a shock, and I denied it. How could I have been egocentric while striving so hard to fix myself for my own and the well being of those around me?

This entire psychic phenomena peculiar to "me" was seen through over the Holiday- this With David's help, with the help from "I am not alone in this anymore or even on my own," (which could never be tolerated, and I felt was just a huge failing, and with this failing I could never be "on a sadhana"). The entirety of what could be termed normal neurosis with some psychotic breaks, was gone through. I experienced even deeper the tenderness and regard my (ex) (but I could never have an ex), husband always had for me. I felt I had beaten him almost to death in time, in the timeliness or the rotten way I knew I always spoiled everything but cleverly tried to function on…I mean this is ego, it does keep one going. I did a little research on the internet about the way boys are raised and got some insight into the pain of that. I admitted I had never understood men. A consideration for the tenderness of the "masculine" energy came about and I see that I really want to protect this aspect of men so to speak even if they keep it hidden or, that, in my perception, it seems so.

What is most dear is hidden. I see that in both my son and my husband.

I watched a very old video called "Asylum," the work of R.D.Laing whom I admired in my college years and post graduate and who had everything to do with me dropping a career (right or wrong, that happened), and, of course, to do that is fatal in this world. You've got to make a living. Obviously not, as somehow I am still solvent.

What I got from the video was that being very deeply disturbed is a definition. What I see is that- that kind of madness is a" yin" to society's "yang", and I saw the fact that society is very frightened to see its own madness. These adorable creatures were simply treated with kindness by Laing who appeared mad himself (to me in the video), and, by trying to follow them, I found extremes of intelligence along with the same issues in trying to live together that everyone has. So what was realized was- that which we call madness is reflection of "normal madness", all part of what you could label duality or relativity. The mad are quite unsure of "who they are" and "normies" perhaps think that they know, at the extremes of the continuum.

I just wanted to share some of these things. There is more, and maybe the expression of that will follow.