Utility

I know of nothing Beautiful, but the Avatar

I know of nothing beautiful, but the Avatars embodied enlightenment.
Trust my words on this. I want to cry and cry in pure relief.
Having met you David, and meeting you again and again, when I feel you coming to me and helping me, when I am unable to bear my life anymore, is the greatest blessing in my life.
Thank you for coming to help me a couple days ago, when i reached rock bottom. I have been there may times. But this time is different. Everything has been ripped away completely. I was freed from the bad people and circumstances, who was hurting my core and making the seed of me emotionally, mentally and physically sick and dis-eased. I want to be a healthy, strong seed, so I can sprout and grow. Cause I have never been able to. My life has been a desert, and I have been a bad seed with parasites eating me. I have always felt so, so lonely. And I still feel this. But I'd rather feel lonely that feeling hurt and constantly abandoned.

I never understood this loveless, un-enlightened world. I am what Hildegard af Bingen would refer to as a "darkness mystic". It's someone who will go through tremendous emotion and/or physical suffering and pain, for the purpose of becoming one with God. I have never enjoyed all the suffering, yet at the same time I have, because I felt God coming to me and kissing me at times when nothing was left but complete horror.

I haven't met anyone who who could relate to me, in having been completely wounded and harmed throughout their life, and having been through so intense struggle and brokenness as I have, yet at the same time using the pain to grow. Like the alchemists transforming metals to gold. This is the essence of me.

I was born and raised by a psychopath, and I am a victim of emotional incest and many other forms of neglect, abuse, violence and rape.
When you are a child of someone who lacks the basic human feeling: guilt and empty, I cannot tell you how you will feel your entire body-mind being ripped apart, crushed and broken down completely again, again and again. Until there is nothing left, and you learn to live this way. Feeling there is something completely wrong with you. Crying every day. Being sick in your body and having nightmares every night. While at the same time thinking how your parents behave is love, and having your mind manipulated to think that the psychopaths destroyed behavior is the normal, and your own feelings ant thoughts are sick. Cause they repeatedly tel you that you are sick and wrong.
I met someone who told me that I feel like I'm cycling from the north to the south pole every single day, and that descried exactly how bad I struggled. I cannot describe the horror of everything being taken away from you, your personality being eaten and your mind being washed completely from everything that is healthy. I learned to trust no one. I went trough soul-murder. It's like having someone else living inside of you, and you are not alive anymore, you are a living dead. It's like having a parasite filling out your entire body, it's like being raped and attacked so many times, it becomes your normal, you get used to it, and learn to livi inside disassociation from your entire existence. You are unable to relate to people, and people cannot relate to you. You attract people who want to hurt you, feed on you, use you. That has been my life. But not anymore. Since basic self realization, I came into the "egg" of Mother, and I was protected from attracting any more idiots.

You can say that the struggles I have been through was the perfect gift, because I was literally a nobody, I had no personality, no friends, no sense of self. So when God came to me when I was 16, I immediately surrendered to something bigger helping me, and I never let go of the hand God gave me, out of my unbearable struggles. Every small drop of nurturing rain my life has given me, I have valued so deeply. I can never take anything in my life for granted. It's all Grace. I am only here right now because of Grace. Without it I would have been dead long ago, or living as a junky.

I don't know of anyone who is so emotionally and physically fragile and vulnerable as I am. I can't even understand how I manage to survive and live day by day.
It feel to me as if every second is an eternity, and every day a lifetime. I experience everything se clearly. Everything is so real to me. And I feel like no one I meet can relate. they can't relate to my painful life, neither to my spiritual path. It's something I keep for myself. But I like being by myself spending time with plants, flowers and birds. They get me, they are my family.

At this point of my life I have finally managed to break free of the incest I have been in for 29 years. I have finally reached ground zero. Whereas I have always been surrounded by energetic vampires who wanted to feed on me. Unable to break free, because it was my parents who keept using me, and when you have always been used, you haven't learned to sustain yourself emotionally and physically, so I felt I couldn't handle saying goodbye to both my parents, and never talk to them again. Because I dont have any friends to call my family. I know a couple of people, but I have only myself and one other person I can trust.
I feel like a child who has never been a child, and now I'm stuck in a grown up body. Its very strange. I am unable to handle the harshness of peoples minor ignorances, insensitivities and lack of understanding. I need to be with self realized people, or else I need to be alone. And be with David.

I alwais thought: Oh well at least I wasn't a victim of physical incest. But I found out that the emotional incest is far worse. Because it is your entire personality, plus your bodily sensations that is being used in favor of the parents. I have never been respected, listened to, cared for and loved for who I am.
That is why I long only for one thing in this life: to melt completely into the Self, in Pure Unconditional Love. I want to be completely saturated with Self, and I want to be mySelf. Cause I my life was stolen. I am a stolen child. After this long, dry life. I deserve to become a blooming garden. Beloved, dont go to the garden of flowers, for within you is the Eternal garden of Self, where the blossom trees does not anymore cast away their flowers, in the Eternal Morning.
I often doubt I will heal, trust, love and be loved again. But I pray.

I do not find self realization beautiful. It didn't help me much, or at least not satisfy. It's a vast state.
When Shakti and Bhakti kisses us inside That and our bodymind becomes euphoric and crazy, sweetened with Love for Self, it was as if my personality felt like: WAUW! FINALLY I am here, I have become myself, I have come Home. Now I am in the eternal garden. THIS must be enlightenment. But it didn't satisfy me either, so I kinda gave it up on holding onto it, for my body-mind to become saturated, anchored, refined inside all of this. So deeply that I don't even realize it anymore, because it deepens and settles.
Our every cell, thought, feeling, sensation and breath, becoming embodied. Inside the Unknown.

We started ignorant, and when the Self finally grabbed unto us, we became vast, euphoric, excited and In love with Self - but that isn't enlightenment either, we can become fooled, and that shows our ignorance. It's like a child getting excited about coming Home, but we are still children in Self. But enlightenment seem to be closer than close. Like an easy state of ease... requiring nothing.

Dear David - The Light of You!
When I perceive you, you show me what I am looking for everywhere, in everything, everyone... in myself, in reality, existence, perception.
Because you look at me in such a way that shows this, you embody what I am looking for.
That is why I love you so much. And I wish I could spend more time with the personal David.
"I am looking for the Light inside your being.
The light that IS your Being.
The Light we cannot grab, for it is what grabs everything!"
Where is it? It's not there, not there, not here. But it IS there and there and there, its here, and here.
I know of nothing Beautiful but this.
Every self sustaining body-mind, I find no beauty in it.
But those body-minds whom are like small drops, in the Sea of Golden, Divine Light.
They look out at me, as that same Light.
Their every pore is saturated and radiating towards itself everywhere.
They are the nurtured children, born to nurture everything.
They are who we truly are - our Divine Nature.
No parent had the ability to love their child. But Mother Love is our relief.
Only That Light of You is Beautiful... I know of no other beauty in this world.
I am overwhelmed with gratitude for you, David.
Thank you for incarnating here with all of us!
Thank you for having a webside, youtube and webcasts, for us to connect with you!
And thank you for visiting Denmark.
You are helping everyone and everything at it's fullest.
You make me feel like I am not only loved, but that I am love.

We alle need to love and be loved, and trust other humans, because we do live here within a body-mind. I pray the good seed I am will be protected, so I can grow, mature, and become a functioning human for once, secretly functioning with the Grace of Self. Just to be at ease, living, unfolding and living my purpose on earth.
Thank you, David, for all your help and support! It means the world to me. I Love you.

Love and Namaste
- Maya